It's been four years since Simon Cowell was last on the X Factor panel in the UK. In his last series, he introduced the world to One Direction, the ratings were sky high and his show was the only thing people talked about on Monday morning at work.

He returns, after having his US version of the show flop and dumped, to find that The X Factor is no longer the dominant force in British television.


BBC One's Strictly Come Dancing now reigns supreme in the ratings war and the tabloids and British public seem more interested in melting frozen Alaskas and Mary Berry's opinion on soggy bottoms than his reunion with Cheryl Fernandez-Versini behind the judges' desk.

Series 11 of The X Factor is the biggest challenge that Cowell has faced since he first controversially launched the show, spinning off his new found superstar status on Pop Idol.

Saturday night's (August 30) first episode didn't revolutionise the show - after a decade the format has been twisted every way possible - but Cowell's return did provide fuzzy nostalgia for the show's golden years and added some much-needed humour that had been absent under the caretaker stewardship of Gary 'You were ama-zing' Barlow.

Barlow always came across as a decent enough bloke and a sound judge of vocal technique, but he was dryer than sandpaper in the desert. His unwillingness to embrace the ridiculous and dafter elements of the show, stripped the show of its Saturday night variety show feel, turning it into something much more tedious... a singing contest.


Cowell's comeback - in all its pompous and monster ego glory - brought back the show's sparkle.

From his ridiculous cleavage-flashing white shirt (does he do any buttons up anymore?) to his strawberry-eating helicopter ride intro, the whole thing was barmy. He's become the TV equivalent of the rock star who only eats the blue Smarties.

The number of 'wacky' acts in this opening episode can't have been an accident and there was clearly a concerted effort to bring back the show's former lightness of touch.


Cowell embraced one contestant, whose mother dished out Chinese takeaway while she sang ("Do you have any sweet and sour?"), endlessly teased his old sparring partner Cheryl ("Yes or no Cheryl, yes or no?") and he gave yeses to acts that clearly just tickled him - how else do you explain the obsessive Irish Cheryl Fernandez-Versini fan who warbled 'That's My Goal' getting a pass to the arenas?

Louis Walsh spent the entire first episode wheezing and giggling at his old friend and barely said two lines all episode. Another plus point.

This wasn't just the Cowell show though. There was also the return of a certain Geordie called Cheryl Tweedy, Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, Cheryl.

X Factor's producers are clearly banking on the return of Cheryl to save its ratings bacon. While her original time on the show did coincide with its biggest success, this episode didn't do much to suggest that fact is anything but a coincidence.

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Maybe it was the overkill of Cheryl-loving - we were given an entire quarter of the show dedicated to her fans, both the loyal and the ever-so-slightly loony. Or maybe it was her was easing back into the role. Either way, it was difficult to pinpoint what she actually brings to the series, especially compared to the far-more-colourful and unpredictable Nicole Scherzinger.

"I'm lost for words," she told one act. She awkwardly mumbled a "yes" at one scary male admirer who serenaded her. A woman of many words, she is not. In fact, her most notable moment came when she departed halfway through one singer's audition to go to the bathroom.

Thank the lords of Saturday night TV then for Scary Spice Mel B. Blunter than a 12-year-old pencil, her brief cameos in episode one hinted that she will be the real star of the series.


As the acts lined up to fawn over Queen Cheryl, a lonely Mel turned full on Scary Spice and yelled: "What am I? Chopped liver?" If there's a better line all series, it will be a surprise.

Cowell and co may have breathed fresh life into the judging panel, but no amount of 'top bantz' and footsies under the table between Cheryl and Simon can alter the fact that the talent remains distinctly underwhelming.

Rather than worry too much about that, the emphasis this year appears to be back on finding the most ridiculous and outrageous acts possible. Think Jedward, think Wagner, think 'It's Chico Time'.

Take the opening act of the series, screeching Medusa-esque sisters Jazzy and Ruby, who go under the name Blonde Electric. Like a horrible laboratory experiment involving Katie Waissel and Kitty Brucknell gone wrong, the duo flashed their abs and whined through a Jessie J track. In the process, finally proving science wrong - there is something more ear-splitingly acidic than the sound of Jessie J singing.

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The pair will inevitably make up the novelty act quota at the Live Shows and they'll probably end up being the best thing about the whole series and land their own ITV2 documentary. However, for the time being, they're infuriating and that's probably exactly how they want it.

Throw in a man who played the keyboards like Ross from Friends and a woman, who looked like Gregg from MasterChef in a Tina Turner wig, stripped off to her panties, and you probably get an overall sense of the tone.

Of course, there were a few 'proper' singers as well.

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Amy Connelly is a singer so bland and forgettable that just about nobody on Twitter remembered her being ditched out at Judges Houses by Cheryl Cole six years ago. Cheryl Cole spotted her straight away though and was thankfully wearing her waterproof mascara as she banged on about her "connection" with the new mum and sobbed away.

It can't have been that great a "connection" Cheryl, you sent her packing last time.

Slightly more promising was 16-year-old Reece Bibby, who lacked a bit of edge, but appeared to have his heart in the right place. Quite what his musical heroes, Liam Gallagher, The Stone Roses and Pulp, make of his desire to get a seal of approval from Simon Cowell remains to be seen. Maybe Liam will duet with him on the Live Shows or be a guest mentor in an Oasis theme week. That might spice things up a bit.

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Later on, 23-year-old model (you may have seen her being wacky on Sky's Naomi Campbell reality series The Face) Chloe-Jasmine made a surprisingly low-key introduction. Her 'quirk' is that she's stupendously posh. So posh that she makes the Made In Chelsea cast look like East End football hooligans.

However, she's going to need more than coquettish looks and a Downton Abbey lifestyle to make an impression.

And at least she was slightly more intriguing than the final act of the night Jay James. He ticked every X Factor cliché box - hardworking, ex-armed forces, full-time dad, cute kid, gravelly vocals - and even dared to use the 'J' word to describe his tears. Yup, it's been a bloody emotional journey. Of course it has.

His audition started awkwardly, but eased into something stronger and the fragility and weaknesses to his voice were actually what made it more emotional and powerful. However, there was a definite whiff of Steve Brookstein about the earnest singer and if Cowell really wants to bring about an X Factor renaissance, he'll need something a lot more special than this to turn this Saturday night ship around.

The X Factor continues on Sunday night (August 31) at 8pm on ITV.

Gallery: X Factor premiereThe X Factor 2014 Episode 1